This post is going to be more of a brain burst. I have been wanting to write something since my last post but haven’t been able to come up with something I think is good enough… So I’m just going to write and see what happens.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult after my husband sent me a tweet of how to support our kids who more than likely have it. He sent me the tweet and I started crying because I understood so much more of who I am. I still had no diagnosis and it was way harder than it should have been to get diagnosed. If I hadn’t had a supportive partner and many supportive friends there are multiple points in the process where I would have given up. After literally a months long process and many hours of sitting with a dr I finally got the diagnosis.
It has helped in that we know that I need systems in place to be able to perform at anywhere near the ability of a neurotypical person. Those systems still fail at times and it hits even harder when they do. Because I am not able to keep my mind on only a single project and they all feel like they are the most urgent project I am constantly stressed out feeling like I should be working on all of them at the same time. Then because I don’t have the attention span to stay working on something for a long enough time to get good at things they never turn out the way I want them to.
I have not taken drugs. I keep going back and forth with whether I want to or not. I haven’t for multiple reasons. I am worried of the slippery slope mentality. I have heard it is a fallacy, but what if it isn’t and I start taking this one drug and it just leads to the next. Growing up there were a dangerous number of pill bottles around our house, and I am terrified of that becoming my current reality. I also am really scared of the possible side effects. I’m usually pretty good because of the systems. I don’t know if the upsides outweigh the possible downsides.
Right now is an overwhelmed kind of day. My brain is in a fog and I don’t know what to attribute it to. We are in the middle of a pandemic, All four members of my family plus the dog are always together. I have a 5 yard pile of mulch in my driveway because I didn’t order the correct amount the first time. I have not been able to complete our taxes because I lost the paper that was hardest to get a new copy and also made the largest difference in how our taxes turn out. I have a quilt that is about a quarter of the way done, but hasn’t been touched in months with 5 more on the list behind it. I do family picture books each year and just put the pictures from my phone onto my computer today… On top of that I feel bad because these are all my problems and not helpful to others at all. I feel bad because I should be doing more for others, but I’m just so foggy. I am always wondering do I genuinely have ADHD or am I just making excuses.
Days like today I’m glad I have family that have to be taken care of because otherwise I would be in bed or on the couch all day. Don’t get me wrong. My partner is amazing and super supportive, but he is working all day and I don’t want him to get off work and then have to do everything to maintain the cleanliness of the house, cook the food, and make sure the children don’t kill each other.
What do you do when you get in this position?
The only thing I have learned to do is force myself to put my phone down and find something I can clean.
So I posted this a couple hours ago and this video just rose to the top of my Youtube list and I am impressed by the amount of relevance. I have recently learned of Jessica Mccabe’s channel how to ADHD and wow… Either I do genuinely have ADHD because her information is so spot on that I can’t deny it or everybody’s brain does genuinely have these problems, and there is enough research to say that’s not true that I have to accept that I’m not lazy and I am not just making excuses. I just don’t have all the tools and systems in place yet. We will get there… together.